Again, I left the building. Walked out into the air. Took a deep breath and inhaled the smog from the highway beneath the bridge I was standing at. The bus came, I jumped off and were on my way… Never Surrender!
What is dignity worth?
Not much for common people, I assume.
Because I do see how people treat each other with arrogance and no what so ever respect. Everybody is just laughing, and I still wonder why this bullying is so accepted.
Anyhow, who the fvkk am I to have an opinion?
There mornings, there are mournings. They will forever all be brand new.
On one side the first can be for happiness, but it can also tie with mournfulness. As I am wandering in silence I can clearly hear it. I can see it. I can feel it. Close, so close. As when I did poise into the outer limits, at the edges of any dawn. I did feel it once. I do feel it forever. I can never get out from here. I can you just pound and wander in the zone. I will never be a stranger to nothing I will just be what that might not be. That is who I am made of nothing, stand for nothing. I will always be.
Sometimes I do mesmerize myself in other knowledge. From out of nowhere I just know things, still, I must play in the kingdom of madness. Day in and day out.
So there are nights when I climb into my vaults and interpreters many of my observations into poems and lyrics. Well translated and covered from where I took it from.
I was about to last night, out of nowhere I got a computer crash, despite having a brand new hard drive on my Mac Book Pro and using the program Word, just typing. It might be a supernatural force that forced over 5000 words away and hide from the world forever. As much as I tried, they are nowhere to be found.
Nevermind, things happens.
So, I might just creep into the tomb again tonight and see what we are taking out of it. Because there at least 5000 more words to be written, there are at least 5000 more words to be told. There are at least 5000 words of dark poetry to be in my forthcoming book.
I am most likely considered as well esoteric as proper occult by several people with some knowledge about me. Before you judge this, maybe you should look up both of the words esoteric and occult. They are often mistranslated or misunderstood by many people. So if you were wrong in your translation of my first meaning, then you are most certainly not alone.
With that comes dedication and loyalty. This is for good and bad and I can be considered very intense therefor, which I am very aware of myself, why I do warn people sometimes what to expect and how to handle it to keep it up at it´s best.
Still looks like whatever I say, people are not listening and that puts me in trouble, despite I instructed them just not to reach trouble. I ask them to be communicative and tell me the ups and especially the downs. People do not seem to like to tell me things. I do certainly hear things about myself from others telling me that this and or that person had an opinion about me.
When I do confront the person being pointed out, denials and excuses often fly out of their mouths and we do rarely get further than the fact that I am getting sadder because people do have a problem staying sincere in their communication towards me.
The more I live through these facts, the more cynic I become and the more distance from other people being taken by me.
I´ve acted like that pretty much myself many, many years ago and it left me with some wound that can never be healed. So I do know what I am talking about.
I am what I am, no more no less, take it or leave it. If you leave it, just say so, so I can walk on further towards my personal faith and believes to one day just disappear in my own nothingness.
Another Friday and after 40+h at office I am now on my way to DJ at Fredagsmangel. Tonight I’ll face Kazjurol for the first time in about 30 years…
We are moving forward… or was it just me?
Thought I lost it…
Now there is hope.
I do not just know what to hop for
What my hope is for
At least, it is not lost…
I realize that I can not get you out of my system
Am I still in your system?
I am awaiting your call…
Believe me now
Aye, according to some I write and reveal too much about myself. Well got nothing to hide or be ashamed off… sometimes I work hard, sometimes I fvkk up.
Like most ppl. Life. Just a lonely man not giving a fvkk. Just enjoy and work hard, sort of
time to let you through, beyond the gates again… the last episode of my life ended in a destructive drunkness (yes, if you are like me you sort of do that on an annual basis, you just get drunk, crash yourself and do stupid unexplainable things like sending texts to semi-unknown people that you do not understand yourself etc and wake up at strange places like fully dressed with jacket, shoes, everything in your couch). nevermind. a new dawn had risen when I woke up the morning after and as always, I face my behaviour and move forward (and not hopefully forward to termination*, yet)
upfront there is a massive February approaching… so not to burn out I might not be as social as some of you are used to, now it is a month and a half of workaholism. two books to be more finished than they are now, a new recording with the band and a whole new set to be played by bloodofjupiter at Bar Brooklyn on February 22nd and a few DJ-gigs, beer tastings (yes, in the middle of everything I do start a new, nerdy social beer club for certain individuals with monthly meetings and tastings), etc beside my full-time job in the wine industry.
so just a shout out, do not miss me as I am just going to be busy.
more up and coming DJ-dates and or other official dates will be added on a weekly basis in the dates section.
*”Forward To Termination” is the name of the Canadian band Sacrifice 2nd album, which I am very fond of. So I just took the opportunity to bake it in into my context.